He has been on mind lately. I have his eyes. I have his nose. I have his tendency of connecting with a large number of people, making it difficult to be in public without being recognized.
I do not have his baggage. I could. I could hold on to the past. I could keep pointing fingers. I could cut everyone out of my life to protect myself and blame him for it. I choose not to. I choose forgiveness. I choose freedom.
What do you choose? Are you holding on to something that someone has done to you as if it could somehow be erased, if the person only confessed or begged for forgiveness… or died? None of these external events will set you free from your internal chains. There is one way to freedom.
Forgiveness. Letting go. Leaving the past in the hands of a righteous, just God and moving on to fully live the one life that He has given you.
It seems strange. Counterintuitive. But by the power of the Holy Spirit, and sometimes with the help of a professional therapist, I am here to tell you that it can be done. And it is worth it.
“Forgiveness is the fragrance that the violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it.” Mark Twain
“Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity. Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace. And be thankful.” Colossians 3:13-15
We were sentenced to wander in darkness, convicted by our own sin. We lived our lives separated from our Father, running from shadows of our own making, jumping from one glimmer of His revelation to the next, trying to outrun the consequences of our independence.
God promised an eternal Light; a Light of penetrating brilliance that would remove all shadows, bridge all distance, and reverse all convictions. The Light always was and always would be. So we fled our shadows, we jumped from glimmer to glimmer with our eyes ever fixed on the brighter promise.
One day, in the midst of an unsuspecting shadow, the Light was born. He was only a small beam peering up from the darkness, but His intensity grew, drawing to Him those of us who waited in nearby glimmers. Soon, the shadows of our lives were only memories. Our new reality had become the Light that could never go out, never go dim, never be clouded by a shadow.
The Light shines today. He waits for those who still wander in darkness, unknowingly jumping from glimmer to glimmer of His love. He prays that each one of us will see His Light and step out of the shadows, into His bright promise.
“The true Light that gives light to everyone was coming into the world. He was in the world, and though the world was made through Him, the world did not recognize Him. He came to that which was His own, but His own did not receive him. Yet to all who did receive Him, to those who believed in His name, He gave the right to become children of God— children born not of natural descent, nor of human decision or a husband’s will, but born of God. The Word became flesh and made His dwelling among us. We have seen His glory, the glory of the one and only Son, who came from the Father, full of grace and truth.” John 1:9-14
“Blessed is she who has believed that the Lord would fulfill his promises to her!” Luke 1:45
Pregnant, well-aged Elizabeth said this to pregnant, unwed Mary. Two unexpected pregnancies. Two God-planned miracles.
What does this mean for you and me? I am not an elderly, infertile woman who is expecting her first child. You are not a pregnant virgin.
God has made promises to us. He has made promises to YOU. They were not conveyed by an angel named Gabriel. They were recorded within the pages of the Bible. Many promises that He made to people within those pages He also makes to you.
“Whoever believes in me, as Scripture has said, rivers of living water will flow from within them.” John 7:38
“I will not leave you as orphans; I will come to you. “John 14:18
“Because I live, you also will live.” John 14:19b
“Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you.” Hebrews 13:5
“He who was seated on the throne said, ‘I am making everything new!'” Revelation 21:5a
These promises are for you. Just as the rainbow became a reminder of God’s promises in Genesis 9, let it remind you today.
Standing on the edge of a cliff, preparing to take a step that the world tells you not to take, knowing that beyond your own sight is a hand, waiting to catch you.
Knowing a miraculous, saving, healing, life-giving secret that you do not want to be a secret, but most do not believe you when you tell them.
Standing on the ocean waves, stormy winds whipping, waves crashing, but you never sink.
Playing a game of LIFE that you have already won, but you keep playing to help everyone else win.
Having supernatural vision that allows you to see possibilities in situations that appear hopeless.
Choosing love in a world that constantly tries to convince you that it has something better.
I recently started a new daily devotional book about seeking God. By “new,” I mean that I purchased it at a thrift sale last month, and though it is a 365 day January to December book, I started it in August. God’s revelations are not limited to specific messages on specific days of the year. And I am impatient.
The message I read today (which was actually designated for January 14 or something like that) encouraged me to trust the process. It gave examples of different processes that we may have to go through. It explained why the process is important. I may have something to learn. Someone else may have something to learn.
The photo below reveals how I want to respond to “trust the process.”
The words “trust the process” tell me that I can not jump feet first into what God has called me to do until He tells me to jump. They tell me that I must prepare. I must listen. I must wait.
Wait. W. A. I. T. That word has four letters like so many four-letter words that we are not supposed to say, and at times it leaves the same taste in my mouth. I don’t like to wait. (See the last sentence of my first paragraph.) Waiting means that I am not moving. I feel like I am wasting time. There is work to be done, and it’s not going to do itself! I want to do the work that You have called me to do right now, Lord! Isn’t that a good thing? Don’t they, You know, those people who are always saying things, say that You don’t call the equipped, but equip the called? That means that if I start moving, you will equip me as I go. Right? RIGHT???
There are 17 verses in the Bible that talk about waiting for the Lord. They portray waiting as a good thing.
“I wait for the Lord, my whole being waits, and in His word I put my hope.” Psalm 130:5
“Yes, Lord, walking in the way of Your laws, we wait for You; Your name and renown are the desire of our hearts.” Isaiah 26:8
More than five years ago God placed a call on my life, and now I am just over 4 1/2 years into earning my bachelor’s degree. That is a long time. I have only made it this far by the grace and strength of God, the support of my family and friends, and the gentle encouragement of my husband whenever I feel like I can not go on. (YOU ARE NOT QUITTING!) Meanwhile, I wait. I wait to be done. I wait to be ready. I wait for the Lord to clear the path to the calling that He gave me. This part of the journey is hard, but it is important. I need to pay attention.
Are you in a season of waiting? Do you feel like you should be accomplishing something, doing something, fixing something, making something… or SOMETHING?
Soak in the moments. Look for the lessons. Breathe in the present. And yes, trust the process. Or better yet, trust the Author of the process. Surrender to Him and His process. You never know. That may be all that He was waiting for you to do.
“Take courage my heart. Stay steadfast my soul. He’s in the waiting. He’s in the waiting.” Lyrics from Take Courage by Kristene DiMarco
Twenty-seven years. It has been twenty-seven years since I accepted the Truth. Twenty-seven years since Jesus filled me with hope. Twenty-seven years since His life filled me to overflowing. Twenty-seven years since I was moved from lost, rejected and abandoned to purpose-filled and lovingly redeemed.
Yesterday morning, I found myself there again. My thoughts bounced around from the regrets to the rejections to the abandonments. Disguised within the thoughts were the lies:
You are alone.
You deserve it.
It is all your fault.
You will never change.
It’s just who you are.
As I repeated the lies, the pronouns changed and I heard:
I am alone.
I deserve it.
It is all my fault.
I will never change.
It’s just who I am.
Then, three little words in a song that I was listening to brought me back to the truth.
I
AM
LOVED.
That’s right. I am. How easily I forget. I find it so much easier to tell others that God loves them, but it seems unnatural to tell myself. So I don’t, and I forget.
In John 15:9, Jesus says, “As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Now remain in my love.” He goes on to say that remaining in His love means keeping His commands, just as He remained in His Father’s love by keeping His commands. When I choose to think about all of the things and people that I can’t change, I am not remaining in His love. When I choose to remember that He loves me, I can’t help but love Him back and I am motivated to love His people. This is how we remain in His love.
I am loved. This isn’t boasting. It isn’t bragging. It isn’t elevating myself. It is simply truth. So I will repeat it. I am loved.
As a child, trips were exciting! We were going someplace we had never been before. There might be boats or animals or caves. I might hear music or see statues, go swimming or climb a mountain. I might ride a train or a roller coaster.
I never chose the destination. I never planned the route. I never drove the car or navigated the plane. I read or argued with my brother. I sat in the back, napped, listened to music, looked out the window, and enjoyed the ride.
And I never worried. My parents planned the route. They drove the car and bought the tickets and planned the activities. I contributed nothing, yet I somehow arrived at my destination. The only question that plagued me was, “Are we there yet?”
“Come, follow me,” Jesus said, “and I will send you out to fish for people.” Matthew 4:19
I have been on a journey with Jesus for my entire adult life. He knows the destination. He has had the route mapped out since before I was born. He planned the activities, bought the tickets, and even arranged the meals!
But the entire time, I ask questions like, “What are Your plans? Where are we going? Who will we meet? Why didn’t we go that way? Shouldn’t we stop here? What about those people?”
Jesus patiently repeats, “Follow me.”
Where did my trust go? Why do I think that I am entitled to know more than He has revealed to me? I gave my life to Him. He owns it all. He knows where we are going. What more do I need?
“At once they left their nets and followed Him.” Matthew 4:20
I keep picking the net back up. It drags the ground. It slows me down. The longer I hold onto it, the farther behind I fall, the smaller He becomes as He continues moving forward.
***When a child is abandoned by a parent, her perspective of the world becomes unstable. A brick that supported her foundation has been removed, and she feels like the rest could shift at any moment. Life becomes a balancing act. She must hold the right position, keep the right stance, or everything holding her up will crumble, and she will fall, plummeting into desolation.***
A couple of weeks before my father’s memorial service in May of 2016, I sat down to write my portion of the eulogy. I sat, staring at the blank document on my laptop. It had been 12 years since I had seen his face, 12 years since I had heard his voice. I had a lot to say about my dad, but I had a lot that I needed to say TO him. I realized that I needed to start there. A counselor once encouraged me to write letters to people whom I could not speak to in person. So I began…
“Since you have been gone, I have fallen back into old fears. Fears of offending, disappointing, hurting, disapproval. I have lost confidence and identity. I feel like I can trust no one. I trust no one. I expect everyone to abandon me. Everyone. And I feel like that abandonment will kill me on the inside. I will lose everything that matters and die. I have never felt a loss so sharp. I have lost hope to truly love or be loved. My heart was broken before. Now it is shattered. I don’t ask why. Part of me believes that I deserve it. Most of me knows that you only saw your own pain. And I feel like a fool for loving someone so much who never loved me enough to stay. If only I could choose to stop. If only I could choose who to love. If only. I feel like it is my responsibility to make people love me. If they do not, something is wrong with me. So I try to make everyone love me. It is instinctual. Like a survival skill. Necessity. The hole in my heart that you left is so big that I feel like I could fall through it myself. I feel like my desire to make people love me hurts the ones closest to me. I think that my name should be Jabez. I am pain. I am a hassle. I am not worth the time. I am broken. So broken.”
With my wounds open and exposed, I could go no further. I powered down my laptop and moved on with the evening.
A few days later, I returned to the letter. After reading what I had written, I was overwhelmed by the amount of power I had given him. Just as he allowed his father’s actions to define him, I had allowed my father’s actions to define me. But there was one HUGE difference between us. I had chosen to follow Jesus, and that choice brought His promises for freedom and healing into my life. Revelation 21:1-7 was my favorite passage for a reason. Jesus promises to make all things new. Though the passage speaks about His reign on the new earth after His return, it is also possible in our lives today as we invite His kingdom to come and His will to be done in and through us (Matthew 6:9-13). I could not walk my dad’s path. I would not. I finished my letter…
“You do not deserve this much power. You do not deserve the ability to affect my life this much. You are gone. You did not leave because of me. You left because of you. I will rise above this. I will find my identity again. I will find it in the truth, not the lies that you made me believe about myself. I will be me again, only better. I will be whole. Jesus promised this. So, goodbye, Dad. You left on your terms, as always. I won’t wait for you to return anymore. I will not let my pain hold me back the way you let your pain hold you back. I will not follow in your footsteps. I will make my own path, and I will do it in freedom. And in the end, if you are there, I will know that you finally found peace.”
“Then I saw ‘a new heaven and a new earth,’ for the first heaven and the first earth had passed away, and there was no longer any sea. I saw the Holy City, the new Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God, prepared as a bride beautifully dressed for her husband. And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, ‘Look! God’s dwelling place is now among the people, and He will dwell with them. They will be His people, and God Himself will be with them and be their God. ‘He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death’ or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away. He who was seated on the throne said, ‘I am making everything new!’ Then He said, ‘Write this down, for these words are trustworthy and true.’ He said to me: ‘It is done. I am the Alpha and the Omega, the Beginning and the End. To the thirsty I will give water without cost from the spring of the water of life.Those who are victorious will inherit all this, and I will be their God and they will be my children.'” Revelation 21:1-7 NIV
“Now the betrayer had arranged a signal with them: “The one I kiss is the man; arrest him and lead him away under guard. Going at once to Jesus, Judas said, ‘Rabbi!’ and kissed him.” Mark 14:44-45 NIV
“After a little while, those standing near said to Peter, ‘Surely you are one of them, for you are a Galilean.’ He began to call down curses, and he swore to them, ‘I don’t know this man you’re talking about.’ Immediately the rooster crowed the second time. Then Peter remembered the word Jesus had spoken to him: “Before the rooster crows twice you will disown me three times.’ And he broke down and wept” Mark 14:69-72
Two men stood at a fork in the road. Each carried regrets from the past. Each had to choose a direction for the future.
One chose the road to self-destruction. “When Judas, who had betrayed him, saw that Jesus was condemned, he was seized with remorse and returned the thirty pieces of silver to the chief priests and the elders. ‘I have sinned,’ he said, ‘for I have betrayed innocent blood.'” “‘What is that to us?’ they replied. ‘That’s your responsibility.'” Matthew 27:3-4 When he realized that he could not change the past, he chose not to deal with his future. “So Judas threw the money into the temple and left. Then he went away and hanged himself.” Matthew 27:5
The other chose the road to life. After Jesus was resurrected, he found the disciples fishing. “Then the disciple whom Jesus loved said to Peter, ‘It is the Lord!’ As soon as Simon Peter heard him say, ‘It is the Lord,’ he wrapped his outer garment around him (for he had taken it off) and jumped into the water.” John 21:7 He ran to his Savior, who gave him forgiveness from the past and a purpose for his future. “… Jesus said to Simon Peter, ‘Simon son of John, do you love me more than these?’ ‘Yes, Lord,’ he said, ‘you know that I love you.’ Jesus said, ‘Feed my lambs.’ Again Jesus said, ‘Simon son of John, do you love me?’ He answered, ‘Yes, Lord, you know that I love you.’ Jesus said, ‘Take care of my sheep.’ The third time he said to him, ‘Simon son of John, do you love me?’ Peter was hurt because Jesus asked him the third time, ‘Do you love me?’ He said, ‘Lord, you know all things; you know that I love you.’ Jesus said, ‘Feed my sheep.'” John 21:15-17
Two men failed. Two men had to choose a direction. Only one man chose life.
Have you made decisions that you wish you could take back? If so, you are standing on the road of Peter and Judas. Easter is a celebration of new life, of hope where hope has been lost. Jesus, who overcame death, invites you to join Him on the road to resurrection. He sits before you, offering forgiveness, asking, “Do you love me?”
“O Lord, you are my lamp. The Lord lights up my darkness.” 2 Samuel 22:29
We often fear what hides in the darkness. The UNKNOWN motivates us to leave the nightlight on, steers us toward well lit streets, makes us use the “Buddy System.”
Sometimes, what scares us the most is the KNOWN that is hiding in that same darkness. Sides of our personalities that have been met with judgment. Painful words that have warped our identities. Memories that have formed dark expectations. Wounds that hurt too much to dress. They follow us like shadows, less than a step behind. We think that keeping them in the darkness, where they can blend in, will keep us safe. We think that stepping into the light will expose our true shape, and the world will see us for what we really are.
Once when I was spending the night away from home, I turned out the lights and went to bed and my eyes began to adjust to the darkness. I began to see shapes. I looked toward the door and saw what looked like a tall person standing in the room, staring down at me. My heart stopped. I held my breath for several seconds before I realized that the shape was not moving. I soon realized that it was a robe hanging on the door.
This is what the painful knowns do when we leave them in the darkness. They begin to look like more than what they are, and they send us running, hiding from… shadows. We will continue to run and hide unless we step into the light, and take them with us. Once the light of truth hits them, we are able to recognize them for what they truly are: Warped shapes of things that no longer exist. Lies in disguise. Then we can stop running. We can be free.
I once read (I can’t remember where) that being yourself gives those around you the freedom to be themselves. This motivated me to be myself for the sake of others, in spite of those who might take issue with my oddities. I think this also applies to our shadows. Giving words to my shadows might help others put words to theirs. It might give them the courage to speak those words, exposing them to the light. The brightest light that shines is the light of Christ. The Word of God has cast many of my knowns into the light, providing freedom that only He can provide. For these reasons, I write about my shadows in light of Christ’s grace, love and power. I pray that you who read about my journey will experience that same freedom by joining me in the light.
Words Lived 