Tag: #fear

Why I Write

“O Lord, you are my lamp. The Lord lights up my darkness.” 2 Samuel 22:29

We often fear what hides in the darkness. The UNKNOWN motivates us to leave the nightlight on, steers us toward well lit streets, makes us use the “Buddy System.”

Sometimes, what scares us the most is the KNOWN that is hiding in that same darkness. Sides of our personalities that have been met with judgment. Painful words that have warped our identities. Memories that have formed dark expectations. Wounds that hurt too much to dress. They follow us like shadows, less than a step behind. We think that keeping them in the darkness, where they can blend in, will keep us safe. We think that stepping into the light will expose our true shape, and the world will see us for what we really are.

Once when I was spending the night away from home, I turned out the lights and went to bed and my eyes began to adjust to the darkness. I began to see shapes. I looked toward the door and saw what looked like a tall person standing in the room, staring down at me. My heart stopped. I held my breath for several seconds before I realized that the shape was not moving. I soon realized that it was a robe hanging on the door.

This is what the painful knowns do when we leave them in the darkness. They begin to look like more than what they are, and they send us running, hiding from… shadows. We will continue to run and hide unless we step into the light, and take them with us. Once the light of truth hits them, we are able to recognize them for what they truly are:
Warped shapes of things that no longer exist. Lies in disguise. Then we can stop running. We can be free.

I once read (I can’t remember where) that being yourself gives those around you the freedom to be themselves. This motivated me to be myself for the sake of others, in spite of those who might take issue with my oddities. I think this also applies to our shadows. Giving words to my shadows might help others put words to theirs. It might give them the courage to speak those words, exposing them to the light. The brightest light that shines is the light of Christ. The Word of God has cast many of my knowns into the light, providing freedom that only He can provide. For these reasons, I write about my shadows in light of Christ’s grace, love and power. I pray that you who read about my journey will experience that same freedom by joining me in the light.

I Shall Not Fear

Years ago, I read the historical fiction book The Mark of the Lion by Francine Rivers.  Set almost 100 years after the death and resurrection of Jesus, a young Christian woman named Hadassah was a slave belonging to a Roman family.  Eventually, her faith was discovered.  By Roman law it made her a criminal, so she was taken to the arena for the “games.” There was no game. She was going to be fed to a hungry lion in front of hundreds of people. 

She had lived her entire life filled with fear.  Fear of being discovered.  Fear of being arrested.  Fear of dying.  While awaiting her death in the dungeon, she realized that she was no longer afraid.  She was free. Alone in her cell, she sang praises to God, free from the chains that had kept her imprisoned while she was still able to walk in the sun.

When I read that story, I recognized my own chains.  I was constantly fearful.  I was afraid of rejection and abandonment.  I was afraid of my darkest struggles being exposed.  I was afraid of being imperfect.  I thought, “I want that kind of freedom.  I hope that I do not have to be on the edge of death to experience it.”  

Years later, I was there. I was in an emotional dungeon. I felt like I was on the edge of losing everything that mattered the most to me. There, in my solitary darkness, I finally let go. I let go of all of the things that I had been trying to control to keep my world “safe.” In letting go, I found freedom.

“The Lord is with me; I will not be afraid. What can mere mortals do to me?”  Psalm 118:6

God instructs people (sometimes one person, sometimes a group, always us) 365 times in the Bible not to fear.  Why the repetition?  Because we forget.  Because we want to be safe and comfortable.  Because everything that we fear CONTROLS US.  It drives our decisions.  It shapes our environments.  It fills our thoughts, our hearts, and our conversations.  It drains our resources.  We essentially become slaves to our fears.  

What do you fear? What keeps you awake at night? What makes your heart race? What sends you running until you collapse, your physical, emotional, mental, and financial resources exhausted? What do you hold so tightly that your fists are white and your nails are digging into the heals of your hands? Stop running. Stop gripping. Stop trying to fix, protect, control, and shape. Place it all in the hands of Jesus. When you stop struggling against the chains that your fear created, He will lift them off of you and replace them with His arms. And there, in His love, you will find freedom that no human effort can provide or take away.