“Blessed is she who has believed that the Lord would fulfill his promises to her!” Luke 1:45
Pregnant, well-aged Elizabeth said this to pregnant, unwed Mary. Two unexpected pregnancies. Two God-planned miracles.
What does this mean for you and me? I am not an elderly, infertile woman who is expecting her first child. You are not a pregnant virgin.
God has made promises to us. He has made promises to YOU. They were not conveyed by an angel named Gabriel. They were recorded within the pages of the Bible. Many promises that He made to people within those pages He also makes to you.
“Whoever believes in me, as Scripture has said, rivers of living water will flow from within them.” John 7:38
“I will not leave you as orphans; I will come to you. “John 14:18
“Because I live, you also will live.” John 14:19b
“Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you.” Hebrews 13:5
“He who was seated on the throne said, ‘I am making everything new!'” Revelation 21:5a
These promises are for you. Just as the rainbow became a reminder of God’s promises in Genesis 9, let it remind you today.
Standing on the edge of a cliff, preparing to take a step that the world tells you not to take, knowing that beyond your own sight is a hand, waiting to catch you.
Knowing a miraculous, saving, healing, life-giving secret that you do not want to be a secret, but most do not believe you when you tell them.
Standing on the ocean waves, stormy winds whipping, waves crashing, but you never sink.
Playing a game of LIFE that you have already won, but you keep playing to help everyone else win.
Having supernatural vision that allows you to see possibilities in situations that appear hopeless.
Choosing love in a world that constantly tries to convince you that it has something better.
“Now the betrayer had arranged a signal with them: “The one I kiss is the man; arrest him and lead him away under guard. Going at once to Jesus, Judas said, ‘Rabbi!’ and kissed him.” Mark 14:44-45 NIV
“After a little while, those standing near said to Peter, ‘Surely you are one of them, for you are a Galilean.’ He began to call down curses, and he swore to them, ‘I don’t know this man you’re talking about.’ Immediately the rooster crowed the second time. Then Peter remembered the word Jesus had spoken to him: “Before the rooster crows twice you will disown me three times.’ And he broke down and wept” Mark 14:69-72
Two men stood at a fork in the road. Each carried regrets from the past. Each had to choose a direction for the future.
One chose the road to self-destruction. “When Judas, who had betrayed him, saw that Jesus was condemned, he was seized with remorse and returned the thirty pieces of silver to the chief priests and the elders. ‘I have sinned,’ he said, ‘for I have betrayed innocent blood.'” “‘What is that to us?’ they replied. ‘That’s your responsibility.'” Matthew 27:3-4 When he realized that he could not change the past, he chose not to deal with his future. “So Judas threw the money into the temple and left. Then he went away and hanged himself.” Matthew 27:5
The other chose the road to life. After Jesus was resurrected, he found the disciples fishing. “Then the disciple whom Jesus loved said to Peter, ‘It is the Lord!’ As soon as Simon Peter heard him say, ‘It is the Lord,’ he wrapped his outer garment around him (for he had taken it off) and jumped into the water.” John 21:7 He ran to his Savior, who gave him forgiveness from the past and a purpose for his future. “… Jesus said to Simon Peter, ‘Simon son of John, do you love me more than these?’ ‘Yes, Lord,’ he said, ‘you know that I love you.’ Jesus said, ‘Feed my lambs.’ Again Jesus said, ‘Simon son of John, do you love me?’ He answered, ‘Yes, Lord, you know that I love you.’ Jesus said, ‘Take care of my sheep.’ The third time he said to him, ‘Simon son of John, do you love me?’ Peter was hurt because Jesus asked him the third time, ‘Do you love me?’ He said, ‘Lord, you know all things; you know that I love you.’ Jesus said, ‘Feed my sheep.'” John 21:15-17
Two men failed. Two men had to choose a direction. Only one man chose life.
Have you made decisions that you wish you could take back? If so, you are standing on the road of Peter and Judas. Easter is a celebration of new life, of hope where hope has been lost. Jesus, who overcame death, invites you to join Him on the road to resurrection. He sits before you, offering forgiveness, asking, “Do you love me?”
When I surrender, my concerns, worries, and insecurities leave my shoulders and rest in the scarred hands of my Savior. They become a testament to His love, power, and grace; His willingness to carry the weight of my world.
When I surrender, my pain becomes passion for the hurting souls around me. My fears lose power as freedom becomes my anthem. My life gains purpose beyond my personal needs and desires.
When I surrender, the truth fills my veins. Lies no longer flow from my mind to my heart to my feet. Courage drives me into the battle that I spent so many years running from, the battle that no one can escape, the battle for goodness and innocence and life.
When I surrender, peace, like a river, floods my senses. My eyes are no longer clouded by people and events from the past. My ears no longer hear conversations that I regret. My mind is released from guilt and free to experience all that the present has to offer.
When I surrender, this human jumble of words stops trying to arrange herself into more than she is; more than she has the power to make herself become. The grand Author is finally able to arrange her into the purposeful piece of poetry, the hopeful story of heroism, the meaningful mystery, the redemptive romance that He began writing long before the first word of her existence was spoken by humanity.
Years ago, I read the historical fiction book The Mark of the Lion by Francine Rivers. Set almost 100 years after the death and resurrection of Jesus, a young Christian woman named Hadassah was a slave belonging to a Roman family. Eventually, her faith was discovered. By Roman law it made her a criminal, so she was taken to the arena for the “games.” There was no game. She was going to be fed to a hungry lion in front of hundreds of people.
She had lived her entire life filled with fear. Fear of being discovered. Fear of being arrested. Fear of dying. While awaiting her death in the dungeon, she realized that she was no longer afraid. She was free. Alone in her cell, she sang praises to God, free from the chains that had kept her imprisoned while she was still able to walk in the sun.
When I read that story, I recognized my own chains. I was constantly fearful. I was afraid of rejection and abandonment. I was afraid of my darkest struggles being exposed. I was afraid of being imperfect. I thought, “I want that kind of freedom. I hope that I do not have to be on the edge of death to experience it.”
Years later, I was there. I was in an emotional dungeon. I felt like I was on the edge of losing everything that mattered the most to me. There, in my solitary darkness, I finally let go. I let go of all of the things that I had been trying to control to keep my world “safe.” In letting go, I found freedom.
“The Lord is with me; I will not be afraid. What can mere mortals do to me?” Psalm 118:6
God instructs people (sometimes one person, sometimes a group, always us) 365 times in the Bible not to fear. Why the repetition? Because we forget. Because we want to be safe and comfortable. Because everything that we fear CONTROLS US. It drives our decisions. It shapes our environments. It fills our thoughts, our hearts, and our conversations. It drains our resources. We essentially become slaves to our fears.
What do you fear? What keeps you awake at night? What makes your heart race? What sends you running until you collapse, your physical, emotional, mental, and financial resources exhausted? What do you hold so tightly that your fists are white and your nails are digging into the heals of your hands? Stop running. Stop gripping. Stop trying to fix, protect, control, and shape. Place it all in the hands of Jesus. When you stop struggling against the chains that your fear created, He will lift them off of you and replace them with His arms. And there, in His love, you will find freedom that no human effort can provide or take away.
January 10, 2016: I had returned home from Vegas the previous day. I went to church Sunday morning. It was difficult to hold myself together when Dad’s death was mentioned in the announcements. In the afternoon, I wrote Dad’s obituary. I volunteered with the youth group in the evening, though I had to hide in the restroom when they played the song, “Good, Good Father.”
As we were preparing for bed that night, my husband and I got into a minor argument. I went downstairs to the kitchen, sunk to the floor, and wept. Loudly. Uncontrollably. David came to find me and joined me on the floor, placing his arm around my shoulders. When I could speak, I said, “I wrote my dad’s obituary today. I will never see him again. I can’t even think that he is someplace avoiding me anymore. He is nowhere. He no longer exists. He didn’t let us say ‘goodbye.'”
We decided to hold the memorial in May because of Val’s work/travel schedule. I printed flyers and delivered them to the two bars in town where Dad spent most of his spare time when he was in Michigan. We posted a memorial announcement in the local newspaper inviting all who knew him. I wanted Dad’s friends to be there. Cory did not think that they would come because he had left them as abruptly as he left us. One day he said, “You’ll never see me again,” and walked out the door. They were hurt and angry. But I wanted them to learn from his life. I wanted everyone to.
May 15, 2016: The day arrived. I was nervous. Excited. Ready. Unsure of what to expect. I was going to see people I had not seen in many years and family members that I had never met. Bless my soul, some of Dad’s friends from the bars arrived. I could have kissed them.
Dad’s cousin, Rich, began. He shared memories of Roger the child. The naughty things they did together. The happy memories of innocence. Next was Dad’s sister, Nancy. She also talked about the young boy. Her older brother who would pick on her, scare her, protect her. She mentioned their abusive father and how Dad couldn’t get past the pain of their childhood. When she had seen him shortly after their mother had passed a few years before, he still spoke of their childhood abuse like the wounds were fresh. Then it was my turn. Below is the video of my portion.
Afterwards, many shared stories with me about him. He was a jokester. He liked to sneak money to his friend’s little boy. There were consoling words and healing hugs. I realize now how badly I needed this day to come, to say what I believed needed to be said, to let him go and move on. When we got home, I said to my husband, “It stinks that he had to die for me to get to get to know him better.”
April 11, 2017: I dreamt about him. I woke myself up crying. A feeling of heavy darkness clung to me throughout the day. That evening I tried to do homework, but could not concentrate. My church had posted a new podcast that morning, so I decided to listen. The pastor spoke about obedience. What is God telling you to do that you haven’t done? The answer filled the room like a whisper from everywhere. Forgive. I did not want to. I was still so angry. However, I had learned that I could not live my life in disobedience to God. I said aloud, “I forgive you.” Again, tears flowed, but not of anger or pain. Tears of freedom. The anger that had burned inside me, erupting like a volcano whenever I spoke about him, was gone. Just… gone. I realized that a piece of myself had been in Dad’s Hell as long as my anger lasted.
The words of the song “No Longer a Slave” had held great meaning for me after Dad’s death. “I’m no longer a slave to fear. I am a child of God.” I was no longer a slave to the fear of being abandoned or rejected by him. I was no longer a slave to the fear of never seeing him again, because it was now a fact. And that day, I was no longer a slave to the anger that pulled me down into the pit where he had lived his entire adult life. I was free. I am free.
“So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed.” John 8:36
“One who has unreliable friends soon comes to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother.” Proverbs 18:24, NIV
January 5, 2016: Our first stop was the motel where Dad had lived during the last days of his life and worked for a short time. We met his friend Mel, a clerk at the motel. He wore a jogging suit and sneakers. He reminded me of Reuben from the movie Ocean’s 11. He portrayed himself as one of Dad’s best friends and told us that he had gotten Dad a room at the motel when he could no longer handle the stairs at his apartment. He gave us the keys to Dad’s truck and when we stepped back outside, it was decided that I would drive the truck. Miranda offered to ride with me. The radio was on, and I asked her if it was okay. She said, “Yeah, I like to sing really loud when I’m stressed.” I agreed, so we turned up the volume and sang out our tension.
And I said, “What about Breakfast at Tiffany’s?” She said, “I think I remember the film And as I recall, I think we both kinda liked it” And I said, “Well, that’s the one thing we’ve got
Driving my dead dad’s truck through the streets of Las Vegas: One thing I never imagined I would do.
We drove to a nearby Walmart and began going through the truck. I did not know my dad’s general habits, but Val said that this was where he kept records: in his truck. Looking through the glove compartment, behind the seats, and above the visors, we found bank statements, credit card statements, the purchase agreement for the truck, and ticket stubs for bets that he had made. Dad liked to gamble. A lot.
It felt like we are in a Lifetime movie. Four Michiganders taking on the dark streets of Vegas in a rented Mitsubishi, trying to sort out the life of our estranged father. I actually looked around the parking lot a couple of times, half expecting to see a camera over my shoulder.
Next we drove to Affordable Cremation & Burial Service. They told Val the price that they had quoted her the week before was no longer valid because it was given in 2015 and this was 2016, so they would not honor it. We had to pay $100 more. The director handed us the information that would be on Dad’s official cremation record and Las Vegas obituary to check the accuracy. Val handed it to Cory who handed it to Miranda who handed it to me, and I thought, “I this is something I can do!” I awoke my inner grammar Nazi. I noticed that they had misspelled Val’s first name. And Miranda’s last name. And the word “cremation.” Apparently Affordable Cremation & Burial Service could not afford to use spell-check. Cremation arrangements were made, documents were signed, and they agreed to notify us when the cremation was completed. One of us would then travel back to Vegas for Dad’s remains.
We drove to Dad’s apartment where Freddie was going to meet us. He was running late but gave us permission to go in and get Dad’s belongings. He told us that they were boxed up in the living room. We found a two boxes of Dad’s possessions on the couch and the contents of his wallet in a rubber band on a night stand. Dad rented the apartment and allowed Freddie to live there because he had no other place to live. It did not make sense that all of Dad’s belongings fit into two boxes. His wallet was even missing. Cory said, “Where’s the cash money? Dad always carried cash. Where is it?” We all knew this was true.
Freddie arrived few minutes later. He was a friendly person and seemed happy to see us. “Did you find everything? Good!”
Cory said, “Where is Dad’s cash? He always carried cash in his wallet. Where is it?”
Freddie absently patted his front pocket, paused, then gestured questioningly, “Oh, did YOU need that?”
“Yes, Freddie. Yes, we did need that. We need it to pay for his cremation,” Val responded. Freddie slowly pulled out his wallet and handed Val $220, leaving a few dollars for himself.
We piled back into Val’s rental and drove to a parking lot where Val called the hospital. She left a message with the person who was responsible for releasing Dad’s possessions to Freddie. We were suspicious about how much of his money Freddie had actually received. After hanging up, she saw that Mel had left a message and called him back. He did not know that she put him on speaker phone so we could all hear what was said. “Val, Roger said that his son hurt him really bad, stole from him or something. I just wanted you to know. Be careful who you trust.” If anything had happened, it would have been 30 years ago. Mel also did not specify which son, and Dad had two. Cory was hurt that Mel implied that he might have done this. “I don’t know what he’s talking about! I never did anything like that!”
My anger surfaced again and I said, probably a little too loudly, “Cory don’t pay any attention to him. He shut all of us out because he didn’t want to get hurt. He hurt all of us to protect himself. Even now, he’s hurting you from the grave. Don’t let him do it.”
They drove me back to my rental car and we split up for the evening. I had not spent so much time with those siblings since I was 6 or 7 years old, and in all of the craziness, I saw a glimmer of potential. In my journal, I wrote, “Good may come from this. If we can continue the relationships that we have started here, it could be good.”
Photo: My hosts’ sweet pup, Pepper. He was the perfect comforter.
“I can’t be it if I can’t see it.” These words came from a teenage girl. She disagreed with her parents’ lifestyles, and was afraid that she might not be able to rise above the parental examples in her life. She knew who she did not want to become. She did not know how to become something more.
Your eyes can only see so far. But you do not have to be limited by your vision. You do not have to be limited by your imagination. You do not have to be limited.
There is a God who sees you. He sees all. He created everything in the heavens and on the earth. He has no limitations and He loves you. He can lead you and all of your gifts to places beyond the limits of what you know.
Following Him requires courage. It requires faith. It requires surrender. It requires letting go of every limitation that has made you feel safe and comfortable. It is worth it.
“I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.
Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen.” Ephesians 3:16-21
“Now a slave has no permanent place in the family, but a son belongs to it forever. So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed.” John 8:35-36
I am free, forgiven, and new. Jesus is in my life and my heart. I have no doubt. Yet, I still find chains wrapped around my mind. Shame beats me to the ground. My old self looks back at me from the mirror. Why?
There was a time when the nation of Israel was held as slaves in Egypt. The Egyptians were cruel slave-drivers. The Israelites were desperate. They cried out to God, and the entire nation was led, they literally walked, out of slavery. What did they do on the other side? They sang God’s praises! They used their freedom to become the best people they could be! They went to Disney World!
No. They didn’t know what to do with themselves. Life got hard and they wanted to go back. The familiarity of slavery seemed more logical than the blind faith that living in freedom required. Their bodies were free, but their minds kept returning to Egypt.
This is what I do. I think back to the familiar days of slavery, and my mind stays there. I forget that I am free.
Like Israel, my ticket to freedom was a one-way ticket. I walked out of slavery, crossed the desert, and have arrived at the door of God’s promises. Now, I will only look back to remember what God has done. Never to return. Are you with me?
“…for the Lord has told you, “You are not to go back that way again.” Deuteronomy 17:16b
“Jesus asked the boy’s father, ‘How long has he been like this?’
‘From childhood,’ he answered. ‘It has often thrown him into fire or water to kill him. But if you can do anything, take pity on us and help us.’
”If you can?’ said Jesus. ‘Everything is possible for one who believes.’
Immediately the boy’s father exclaimed, ‘I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!’” Mark 9:21-24 NIV
I believed that I had faith until faith was all that I had left. I believed that God would do miracles until a miracle was the only thing that could help me. I learned that you can believe that you believe until your belief is tested. Then you realize that you never knew what it meant to believe in the first place.
His son was under the power of dark forces. He told Jesus, “If you can do anything…” He believed enough to take his son to Jesus, but he was still doubtful. Did he doubt Jesus’ ability or His willingness? Does it matter? Jesus saw through his words. Jesus ability or willingness did not need defending. The uncertainty dwelt within the man’s heart. “Everything is possible FOR ONE WHO BELIEVES.” The man’s response seems contradictory. “I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!”
This was me. I believed, but never really believed. I never believed that I would be tested beyond my own strength. I never believed that Jesus would step in for me if my strength was no longer sufficient. I believed that, as long as I proclaimed my belief and helped others with theirs, God would never press the issue. And then the storm hit, and darkness followed. I found myself crying out, “I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!”
This is where faith grows. It grows at the end of your rope, beyond the reach of your strength, outside your capacity of understanding, on the path after the sun has set and you cannot see what is ahead. Then you realize that faith is not faith until it has been tested. When you find yourself there, stay on the path and keep believing. Jesus will meet you there. He will light your way.
“When Jesus spoke again to the people, he said, ‘I am the light of the world. Whoever follows me will never walk in darkness, but will have the light of life.’” John 8:12
Words Lived 