Are We There Yet?

As a child, trips were exciting! We were going someplace we had never been before. There might be boats or animals or caves. I might hear music or see statues, go swimming or climb a mountain. I might ride a train or a roller coaster.

I never chose the destination. I never planned the route. I never drove the car or navigated the plane. I read or argued with my brother. I sat in the back, napped, listened to music, looked out the window, and enjoyed the ride.

And I never worried. My parents planned the route. They drove the car and bought the tickets and planned the activities. I contributed nothing, yet I somehow arrived at my destination. The only question that plagued me was, “Are we there yet?”

“Come, follow me,” Jesus said, “and I will send you out to fish for people.” Matthew 4:19

I have been on a journey with Jesus for my entire adult life. He knows the destination. He has had the route mapped out since before I was born. He planned the activities, bought the tickets, and even arranged the meals!

But the entire time, I ask questions like, “What are Your plans? Where are we going? Who will we meet? Why didn’t we go that way? Shouldn’t we stop here? What about those people?”

Jesus patiently repeats, “Follow me.”

Where did my trust go? Why do I think that I am entitled to know more than He has revealed to me? I gave my life to Him. He owns it all. He knows where we are going. What more do I need?

“At once they left their nets and followed Him.” Matthew 4:20

I keep picking the net back up. It drags the ground. It slows me down. The longer I hold onto it, the farther behind I fall, the smaller He becomes as He continues moving forward.

Leaving my net to follow Him. Again.

Writer’s Block

When I am alone, I appreciate silence. It is not uncommon for me to sit alone at home, no television, no music, in my rocking chair, and rock. In silence. When I was a pre-teen, my family referred to it as hibernating.

Telephone rings (Back when it was still attached to the wall in the kitchen)
“Hello? You want to speak to Brandi? Hold on. I’ll get her. She is hibernating.”

I DID have a rocking chair in my bedroom, by the way.

However, my mind is never silent. It constantly considers, examines, connects, and analyzes. The thoughts are like the chaotic notes of a tuning orchestra. Most of the time, I can pull something out of my mental noise that I want to share. A connection that I perceive. A lesson that I have learned. An experience that I hope will encourage, inspire, or amuse. An unexpected place that I have found hope.

The last three weeks have been dry. I don’t know if it is a lack of mental depth or an ache in my heart that keeps the random notes from organizing into a decipherable tune. Possibly both. Probably both.

I began to wonder, am I failing? I’m I being lazy? Am I not reaching enough people with the hope that God has given me to share? Do I not care enough? Have I become (more) self-absorbed?

“Be still, and know that I am God;
I will be exalted among the nations,
I will be exalted in the earth!” Psalm 46:10

Be still. Be still, My child. Your instrument does not have to play constantly. Sometimes, it is enough to only KNOW. I will be exalted even in your silence. My truth will still be heard. And your song will play again when I free you to compose it. For now, just be still.

In The Beginning

The new year used to bring me excitement, hope, and anticipation. Filling out a new calendar with birthdays and anniversaries brought the many days ahead into view. I looked forward to January 1, thinking that I could make changes, maybe start over. It looked like an opportunity for something new. I believed that if I expected a better year, it would happen.

A series of unfortunate events began to change my perspective. One New Year’s Eve, my husband’s back went out. Another New Year, I woke up with a horrific headache. When I got up to take pain reliever, I blacked out and woke up on the kitchen floor. An ambulance was called, bringing the neighbors to attention. An ambulance was called yet another New Year when one of my sons walked into the corner of a door in the dark after staying up all night and passed out. The most impactful event was the unexpected, painful death of my father on my son’s New Year’s wedding day.

Then, the approaching holiday filled me with fear. I looked ahead with an expectation of something terrible happening. I would text sons who were not home to make sure they were safe. My oldest son brought me back to reality with his gentle, matter-of-fact response. “Mom, we’re Christians. We don’t believe in that superstitious crap.”

The New Year is now two days away. I have been reading a devotional that I found at a yard sale this summer, but I awoke this morning with the thought, “It is time to start over. Start from the beginning.” So I sat with my Bible and opened it to the first page.

“In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth.” Genesis 1:1

In the beginning… There was a beginning before every year began. Before the beginning, there was God. No beginning has begun without God. He will be until the last. He has been during every good beginning and every bad beginning.

I have placed too much value on a new year. In doing so, I have lost the value of many more frequent, equally valuable beginnings. Each day is a chance to begin again. Each minute is an opportunity to do something I have not done before, or do something I have done, better. I don’t want to let those opportunities get lost on a calendar of numbers. I have now, and now, God is. So, as this year rolls into the next, carrying all that it is into what is to come, I will try to embrace the value of each new opportunity to begin with the God Who created it and trust that He is folding the good and the bad into His plan for the created.

The Dark Path

“Jesus asked the boy’s father, ‘How long has he been like this?’
‘From childhood,’ he answered. ‘It has often thrown him into fire or water to kill him. But if you can do anything, take pity on us and help us.’
”If you can?’ said Jesus. ‘Everything is possible for one who believes.’
Immediately the boy’s father exclaimed, ‘I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!’” Mark 9:21-24 NIV

I believed that I had faith until faith was all that I had left. I believed that God would do miracles until a miracle was the only thing that could help me. I learned that you can believe that you believe until your belief is tested. Then you realize that you never knew what it meant to believe in the first place.

His son was under the power of dark forces. He told Jesus, “If you can do anything…” He believed enough to take his son to Jesus, but he was still doubtful. Did he doubt Jesus’ ability or His willingness? Does it matter? Jesus saw through his words. Jesus ability or willingness did not need defending. The uncertainty dwelt within the man’s heart. “Everything is possible FOR ONE WHO BELIEVES.” The man’s response seems contradictory. “I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!”

This was me. I believed, but never really believed. I never believed that I would be tested beyond my own strength. I never believed that Jesus would step in for me if my strength was no longer sufficient. I believed that, as long as I proclaimed my belief and helped others with theirs, God would never press the issue. And then the storm hit, and darkness followed. I found myself crying out, “I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!”

This is where faith grows. It grows at the end of your rope, beyond the reach of your strength, outside your capacity of understanding, on the path after the sun has set and you cannot see what is ahead. Then you realize that faith is not faith until it has been tested. When you find yourself there, stay on the path and keep believing. Jesus will meet you there. He will light your way.

“When Jesus spoke again to the people, he said, ‘I am the light of the world. Whoever follows me will never walk in darkness, but will have the light of life.’” John 8:12

Dark Sky