Letter to the Dead

***When a child is abandoned by a parent, her perspective of the world becomes unstable. A brick that supported her foundation has been removed, and she feels like the rest could shift at any moment. Life becomes a balancing act. She must hold the right position, keep the right stance, or everything holding her up will crumble, and she will fall, plummeting into desolation.***

A couple of weeks before my father’s memorial service in May of 2016, I sat down to write my portion of the eulogy. I sat, staring at the blank document on my laptop. It had been 12 years since I had seen his face, 12 years since I had heard his voice. I had a lot to say about my dad, but I had a lot that I needed to say TO him. I realized that I needed to start there. A counselor once encouraged me to write letters to people whom I could not speak to in person. So I began…

“Since you have been gone, I have fallen back into old fears.  Fears of offending, disappointing, hurting, disapproval.  I have lost confidence and identity.  I feel like I can trust no one.  I trust no one.  I expect everyone to abandon me.  Everyone.  And I feel like that abandonment will kill me on the inside.  I will lose everything that matters and die.  I have never felt a loss so sharp.  I have lost hope to truly love or be loved.  My heart was broken before.  Now it is shattered.  I don’t ask why.  Part of me believes that I deserve it.  Most of me knows that you only saw your own pain.  And I feel like a fool for loving someone so much who never loved me enough to stay.  If only I could choose to stop.  If only I could choose who to love.  If only.                 
I feel like it is my responsibility to make people love me.  If they do not, something is wrong with me.  So I try to make everyone love me.  It is instinctual.  Like a survival skill.  Necessity.  The hole in my heart that you left is so big that I feel like I could fall through it myself.  I feel like my desire to make people love me hurts the ones closest to me.  I think that my name should be Jabez.  I am pain.  I am a hassle.  I am not worth the time.  I am broken.  So broken.”

With my wounds open and exposed, I could go no further. I powered down my laptop and moved on with the evening.

A few days later, I returned to the letter. After reading what I had written, I was overwhelmed by the amount of power I had given him. Just as he allowed his father’s actions to define him, I had allowed my father’s actions to define me. But there was one HUGE difference between us. I had chosen to follow Jesus, and that choice brought His promises for freedom and healing into my life. Revelation 21:1-7 was my favorite passage for a reason. Jesus promises to make all things new. Though the passage speaks about His reign on the new earth after His return, it is also possible in our lives today as we invite His kingdom to come and His will to be done in and through us (Matthew 6:9-13). I could not walk my dad’s path. I would not. I finished my letter…

“You do not deserve this much power. You do not deserve the ability to affect my life this much. You are gone. You did not leave because of me. You left because of you. I will rise above this. I will find my identity again. I will find it in the truth, not the lies that you made me believe about myself. I will be me again, only better. I will be whole. Jesus promised this.
So, goodbye, Dad. You left on your terms, as always. I won’t wait for you to return anymore. I will not let my pain hold me back the way you let your pain hold you back. I will not follow in your footsteps. I will make my own path, and I will do it in freedom. And in the end, if you are there, I will know that you finally found peace.”

“Then I saw ‘a new heaven and a new earth,’ for the first heaven and the first earth had passed away, and there was no longer any sea. I saw the Holy City, the new Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God, prepared as a bride beautifully dressed for her husband. And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, ‘Look! God’s dwelling place is now among the people, and He will dwell with them. They will be His people, and God Himself will be with them and be their God. ‘He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death’ or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.
He who was seated on the throne said, ‘I am making everything new!’ Then He said, ‘Write this down, for these words are trustworthy and true.’
He said to me: ‘It is done. I am the Alpha and the Omega, the Beginning and the End. To the thirsty I will give water without cost from the spring of the water of life.Those who are victorious will inherit all this, and I will be their God and they will be my children.'” Revelation 21:1-7 NIV